Pronoun today:

She

Changes noticed:

nothing new, really. I thought my boobs had grown enough to fill out this super slinky top that kept falling off my shoulders before, but they didn’t really

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

like 3?

Dream:

Me and N are in Boston, on a train. We’re going to a doctor to treat N’s foot, who is in the middle of a large park. We get off the train, and we’re in a large tunnel complex, with curved ceilings and walls all of a beige brick. There’s a person sitting at a table, and we go up to him to get directions, and he gives us a check for $100, made out to Pig Iron Theater, and tells us to give it to the doctor, who is to the left. We start walking down the tunnels, which become hallways, and become large rooms with many doors. We’re getting freaked out because we don’t want to get lost, and we run into another couple who’s been trying to get out for a while. Together we find a kitchen which has a window to the outside, so we decide to leave through that, but it’s locked, and when we try to break it, the glass isn’t glass, it’s a strange, incredibly strong material halfway between plastic and flesh. We get knives and slowly laboriously hack our way through this fake glass, and reach our hands outside to find that the outside world is a painted backdrop on this same kind of material, and there’s no way out. Me and Naia start running (them on a broken foot), trying to retrace our steps, frantic to get out of the maze. We eventually find our way back to the entrance, and the  man at the table asks us if we enjoyed the play, and explains that the maze was an experimental performance piece (by Pig Iron), and if we’d given the check to the doctor, we could have seen the end. We yell at him about how frightening it was and how we were trying to see a real doctor for a real emergency, and demanding he send someone to get the bags we dropped when we were fleeing, because we’re sure as hell not going in there again.

People I Talked to Today:

N, SK, 3 people in a meeting, 2 people at rehearsal, 2 housemates, someone on okc

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

N, SK, rehearsal ppl

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Introduced N and SK finally. I’ve been seeing SK for a couple of months, and we’ve decided to move in together when N moves to Boston (which is scary but exciting), and they’d never actually seen each other face to face. So I was really glad we did that finally. Also, fixed the show

Other Comments:

Whew

Have You Been Saved?

no

Weight:

142 lbs

Attire:

green pants, leggings, converse, bra, yellow shirt

Resting Heart Rate:

72 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

bagel with cream cheese, peanuts, apple, naked smoothie, cheese curls, beer, macaroni and cheese, milk

Dream:

gone

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

once

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

7, approximately, but i feel like it’s passing

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

did dishes, forced myself to do dishes, made money and talked and had a drink with coworkers after work.

Other Comments:

this has been the saddest week

Have You Been Saved?

no

Weight:

good enough

Changes noticed:

All changes up until this point:

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

1 by a man on the street handing out flyers, called me “sister.”

Dream:

Forgotten

People I Talked to Today:

K, L, R, N, H, A

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

K, N, H, A

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Did a shot. Accepted that it’s a lot of psychic pain to do the shots myself, so I asked a trans ex-housemate to do it for me, and he did and it was so much easier. It’s difficult to intentionally violate my body’s integrity with a needle. I’m going to rely on him for a while, and then when I move hopefully teach another of my friends how to do it. Everything will be easier then. Also, I talked to some friends and drank with them and it was nice.

Other Comments:

I really want to cut off all my hair. I really don’t want to cut off all my hair.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

146 lbs

Attire:

Black jeans, fleece leggings, black panties, bra, yellow 3/4 sleeve shirt, outerwear, [redacted] shirt during play I was doing follow-spot for, as run blacks

Resting Heart Rate:

80 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

cashews, bagel with cream cheese and peanut butter, banana, naked juice, salt and vinegar potato chips, cheese doodles, pasta with parmesan, skittles, and I plan to drink some anise liquor.

Dream:

So clear and so gone.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2, once in a jarring way by a boss who I thought I’d talked to. Also asked someone to call me “she,” kind of on impulse. I didn’t hear them say it, but I wish that I had. I need to know how it would feel. I need to lose my facial hair so I feel like I can deserve to ask for it.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

One

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Made money. Not much else.

Other Comments:

I love something.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

145 lbs

Attire:

Brown flowy shirt, patched jeans, black doc martens, bra with forms, beige panties, black coat, blue scarf

Resting Heart Rate:

60 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Grilled cheese with fries and a root beer, pasta with cheese, apple, milk, cornbread.

Dream:

Forgotten

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

1

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

1, late at night, thinking of what i didn’t accomplish, and realizing I still had to do this.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

??? Moved in?

Other Comments:

Naia is back in NYC. Alone in the house, kind of.

Have You Been Saved?

No.

Weight:

149 lbs

Attire:

green skinny jeans, green pleather jacket, eits tshirt, black bra, docs

Resting Heart Rate:

80 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

omelette, potatoes, cashews, candy, unfortunately. Skipped a lot of meals today. 100mg spironolactone

Dream:

Forgotten

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Wrote, made a video, made music

Other Comments:

Easter

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

145.8

Attire:

Sheer blue shirt, bra, black leggings, black and gold skirt, docs, outerwear

Resting Heart Rate:

72 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Soft pretzals, cream soda, pasta with cheese, rice and beans, milk, cookies.

Dream:

In a large classroom building. I am reconnecting with my old classmates from high school. They aggressively misgender me, SM and PM especially. I live in this building. I go to Swarthmore again, and go to a dance rehearsal with HG and STM before going to another rehearsal. We dance on a bed. I go to a stadium, where football players kiss, and it is empty except for a lone figure standing on her head, her head buried in the sand. The coach helps her up. She is hairy and bearded. We go up flights of impossible, splitting stairs to a dressing room to change for a game. DT is there, an we start having sex, me eating them out. DT invites the football player to have sex and starts fingering her. The football player asks if she can email us the bill for her time. Later, I am sleeping in a large bed on a high floor next to a large window. There was a monster outside, but now it’s gone. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a witch flying down towards me and I am scared. CJ, who is sleeping with me, takes my hand, pulls me under the covers, and switches covers with me, impersonating me. It works, and the witch disappears. I am safe to sleep.

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

Once by a friend who knows better, and it hurt (they didn’t know I was listening. It was probably a mistake, but uncorrected)

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

None. A good day.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

My first visit to the Mazzoni Center, an lgbt clinic. I talked to a doctor, got my blood drawn. They’re going to do some tests. I have a date now. February 23, 2015. First pill.

Other Comments:

So much to do. I’m making it work.

Have You Been Saved?

No

Pronoun today:

she/her

Changes noticed:

i haven’t shaved my chest in a while and the hair is definitely much much thinner than before, especially around my nipples

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

0

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

didn’t leave

Dream:

nope

People I Talked to Today:

1

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

1

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

nothing

Other Comments:

nothing

Have You Been Saved?

nothing

Weight:

146 lbs

Attire:

brown sweatpants, explosions in the sky tshirt, black felt jacket, black bra, doc martens

Resting Heart Rate:

Fast. Somewhere over 100bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Oat cereal, croissant, hot chocolate, popcorn, pizza, peas, 100mg spironolactone

Dream:

Goddammit I remembered this one, I need to do this part in the mornings

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

2. Once by my director’s mother (who I corrected) while she was talking about the historical development of patriarchy with respect to paganism, once by a clerk (uncorrected)

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

0

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Discovered paganism?

Other Comments:

Started to weep uncontrollably during a pagan ritual today, tried to masturbate tonight and it was much harder than it has been, and I am optimistically feeling my chest and there might be more flesh there? it’s hard to tell. So something’s happening.

Have You Been Saved?

Participated in a pagan ritual, led by my director’s mother, ostensibly for research, but when she touched me on the forehead with lavender and sage oil and blessed my and asked the goddess to give me peace, clarity, and love, I cried like a child and didn’t stop for the rest of the ritual. We sang, and she fed me cake and apples and told me that I needed the goddess badly right now and I believed her in the moment, but the cartharsis did not last, but for a moment, kind of, yes, I was saved. By the time I fell asleep, I was not.

Pronoun today:

They/them

Thoughts on the last few days:

There has been so much life in the past few months. I did not feel any of it. I laughed at some jokes, and enjoyed playing some games, and smiled with my lover. And those moments did happen, but they were small moments, and were not time. They were dots of white on a dark grey canvas. The canvas is grey. The dots do not make it white. I have hated this month. I have hated this month with every ounce of strength I had. I said at the start that I didn’t know how I would live through this month. Every day I woke up with that mantra in my head. I don’t know how I will live through this day. And even though I lived through every day (sometimes by calling in sick, sometimes by sitting in the back room holding a knife to my wrist to remind myself that at least I have control over something, sometimes by singing a song that went “Don’t kill yourself yet” over and over), when I went to bed, I didn’t think, “huh. I actually did live through that. I didn’t think I would, but I did. I must be stronger than I thought.” Instead, I thought nothing. I didn’t feel alive. I wasn’t really alive. I numbed myself with watching screens. I survived the month by staunchly refusing to live. And through hate.
My partner moved in to live with my today. They adopted a cat named Pan. Right now they sit next to me and play with the cat. He has jumped up on the bed and walked across my laptop. My partner is drinking tea. They love the cat and the cat loves them. They smile and laugh and cuddle and they seem like a whole new person. Before we go to sleep, we will read aloud to each other. We’re reading Wuthering Heights. For 7 hours today, while working, I was not alive. I am tired now, but I’m hoping that we can start living again.
Maybe after this week is over.
God is the cuteness of this kitten.

Dream:

Forgotten

Have You Been Saved?

No

Weight:

No scale

Attire:

[redacted] t-shirt, black fleece leggings, black skirt, red converse, red bra with breastforms, hoodie sweatshirt, black felt jacket

Resting Heart Rate:

64 bpm

Food and Medicine Intake:

Everything bagel with cream cheese, handful of chex mix, cranberry/raspberry juice, tofu, broccoli, rice, doritos, skittles, cream soda, water, popcorn, nuts.

Dream:

Gone except for a feeling of guilt

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

5 or 6, none redacted, and I still can’t find the courage to correct them.

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

One, making today’s video, very strongly.

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Kept going.

Other Comments:

Naia was visiting for the weekend, but has gone back to New York. I miss them already.

Have You Been Saved?

No.

Weight:

good enough

Changes noticed:

nothing new today

Money Spent on Transition Expenses:

1

# of Times Correctly Gendered + Comments:

0, not even by a man asking for money on the street.

Dream:

One that awoke me disturbed: I am in a large room, with a shower in it, as well as a living room and a bed. It might be a family reunion. There are people there. I am crying. My parents might be yelling at me because I am weak. There might be something on my skin that I can’t get off. I am trying to take a shower, and people keep coming in. I can’t take off my clothes. They’ll see. There is a group of men, loud, bro-y, rambunctious, sitting on the couches and playing. I ask them to leave so I can clean myself but they don’t. I scream at them. I scream and scream at the top of my lungs. They ignore me. They laugh at me. I can do nothing but scream at them and the world is unchanged. I wake up and hold Naia. I feel very scared.
When I fall back asleep, there is a new dream. A mutual… friend? enemy? person that we both know who we don’t like a lot? who is asking me and Naia to help her film a movie, about nudity. We agree, because we have a lot of experience, and she doesn’t. We go into a supermarket naked. Our friend now has canes and braces on her arms. I am powerful, and I control the people in the store so that they don’t notice, or if they notice, that they don’t think that anything’s odd. We are looking for food, but I am having a very hard time, because I am paralyzed by choices. There are other people naked in the supermarket, taking advantage of my power. I can’t sustain it for too long, though, and I put on my clothes and let the glamor fade. A man, pretending to be a living scarecrow, still naked, is beaten to death by another person there. I buy some ice cream in a closed and dark part of the store. At the checkout counter, the line is endless, reaching all the way to the back of the store. I cut to where my friends are, relieved that my indecision didn’t ruin things after all. When we put our purchases on the conveyor belt, but they are suddenly already cooked, out of their packaging, pieces of toast and soups and sandwiches, with no bar codes to scan. My friend also bought an old video tape, and the cashier cuts it in two and gives him just the tape and keeps the plastic. We leave the store. The film we just made is playing in my mind. Instead of a film about nudity and love and disability, it is a film of a black South African man (who is me) talking about the danger of ISIS.

People I Talked to Today:

2, N and a man asking for money on the street

People I Actually Communicated With Today:

1

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

wrote music

Other Comments:

i spent a while tonight moving very very slowly, without speaking, trying to intentionally feel everything my body was doing. It was a kind of beautiful way to live, but not sustainable as soon as there was any other human but me

Have You Been Saved?

no

Weight:

145 lbs

Attire:

sexy dress, flowery tights, corduroy jacket, cowboy boots

Resting Heart Rate:

There is a ghost in my head

Food and Medicine Intake:

100mg spironolactone, bread and cheese and apples and pasta, and I actually had cereal for breakfast, so I actually had breakfast

Dream:

Forgotten

# of Times Misgendered + Comments:

3, one literally 10 seconds after I told my boss to call me “she.” I didn’t bother to correct him the second time

# of Suicidal Thoughts + Comments:

2

What Have You Done to Become Better Today?

Went to the Philly Trans Conference, went to a play, worked for money, learned about how to change my name. I saw some people who I hadn’t seen in a long time, and met some new people who introduced themselves to me on facebook

Other Comments:

The PTHC was lonely. Even when I found some people I knew, it felt lonely. The show was not, I felt like I could speak, I felt like I was wanted there. I still don’t know what my community is, but I’m confident in my artistic work and view, and not of my queer work and view. Maybe it’s just experience though. I don’t know. More time needed I suppose.

Have You Been Saved?

No